The Art of Repair: Healing Conflict from the Inside Out
What comes to mind when you think of the word repair?
Maybe things like… fix, mend, restore, patch.
Perhaps… struggle, broken, impossible.
In relationships, we often think that arguing or miscommunications are a bad sign. Impossible even. Something must be wrong when there’s conflict, right?
What if I were to tell you that conflict has the potential to be your biggest source of repair? Not just in relationship to others, but internally as well. Any relational work - whether that is with a partner, family member, or friend - helps you grow as a person. This doesn’t mean learning how to be the “bigger person.” It means taking a hard look at what parts of you surface during conflict.
I was recently discussing this idea with two clients of mine in couples counseling. When they are in conflict, I ask them to turn inward.
“What part of you is triggered right now?” I ask.
This ignites the repair. Repair not only with each other, but with themselves.
By acknowledging that a part of you is triggered, you’re giving validation and voice to deep-seated wounds that have made their way to the surface during conflict.
If a defensive part of you comes out, what is that part in defense of?
Maybe your ego, maybe false representation, or maybe… just maybe, this part is defensive of a younger version of you that was once hurt. By offering validation to parts in your inner world, you can become the parent figure you once needed.
A repair-enting, if you will.
If you’re familiar with Attachment Theory, we know that young children look to their primary caregivers to provide secure attachment. A child feels safe, seen, and soothed, both emotionally and physically. When we do not establish secure attachment, known as insecure attachment, young parts of us become easily dysregulated.
I am an Associate Therapist and I am formally trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy, which looks at how parts of ourselves make up our personalities, how they carry wounds and traumas (emotionally & physically), and how you can help them heal and grow through compassionate connection.
5 Easy Steps to Regulate Yourself
Take a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Notice where in your body you feel dysregulated.
Recognize that this is a part of you by acknowledging its presence.
Offer compassion - from your heart to your part.
Ask this part how you can show up for it.
When you shift from seeking out external validation to showing up for a part of you that’s dysregulated, you not only begin to heal feelings of insecurity, but you also provide an opportunity to repair conflict with others.
Additionally, when you speak for the struggling parts of you, instead of from them, you give others an opening to empathize and connect, rather than perpetuate a dysfunctional pattern.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Dysfunctional Attempt to Repair:
You: I can’t believe you said that. What about what you’ve done to ME??
Them: I can’t even talk about this with you because you never take responsibility for your actions.
Regulated Repairenting:
You: There is a part of me that gets triggered when I hear you say [fill in the blank]. This part gets triggered and I am working on helping that part regulate so that we can have a productive conversation.
Them: I appreciate you being honest about that, and there are probably parts of me that get heated and triggered too.
Try This
When you speak for your parts, you can better speak from your heart to engage in healthy repair of conflict. Try sitting with what it feels like in your body to speak from frustration, for example. Does it make you feel tense? anxious? angry? broken? impossible?
Go ahead… try it!
Take a deep breath, and now notice how it feels in your body to advocate for the frustrated part by observing it, validating it, and repairenting it.
Now watch as your life begins to change from the inside out as you become more Self-led instead of acting from triggered, impulsive parts.
AMFT #140332 at Soul Path Counseling Collective