• Robyn Olsen

Why Your Relationships Keep Failing

I was scrolling on Pinterest recently and stumbled on this quote about relationships:

"With the right person, you don't

have to work so hard to be happy."

First reaction, you probably agreed.

You felt it in your bones, remembering past relationships or even an unhappy one you're currently in now.

And while it is a nice sentiment to believe that the "right person" will make you happy, it is also the exact belief that put you through those unhealthy relationships in the first place.

I'm talking about the belief that someone else can complete you. Someone else can make you whole. Someone else can make you happy.

So there is good news and bad news, and oddly enough, they are the same:

No one else can complete you or make you happy. Only you can do that for yourself.

When you stop searching outside of yourself for someone else to make you happy, something amazing happens: Your self-esteem goes up and your expectations go down.

You, and you alone, have the power to be whole and complete, relationship or no relationship. In fact, it is actually physically impossible for someone else to make you feel anything, emotionally. You are in charge of your own thoughts, regardless of what is going on around you.

When someone says, "You made me feel sad," what they are actually saying is, "Your actions triggered a part of me that is not yet healed and I am using you as my excuse to feel sad."

When you own your feelings and wounds, you are taking your power back and no longer holding someone else responsible for how you feel.

This lets the other person off the hook. No one should be made 100% responsible for your feelings except for you.

When you do the work and own your emotions, you begin to feel whole. And when you feel whole and come together with another whole individual, the two of you thrive.

The hardest part is letting go of the belief that you need someone to feel complete.

Some people can't even go a month after a breakup without getting into another relationship. These serial daters go from relationship to relationship, holding their partner as their main object of attention, instead of their own growth, and then blame the other person when they did not (and could not) live up to the impossible expectations they set.

Is some, or all, of this scattered throughout your relationship history? If so, it's time to step it up.

Yes, it will be a rough transition and it will take time. But think of it this way:

Would you rather take the time to grow and be the best version of yourself to attract a partner who can give you the best version of themself – OR – would you rather ignore your wounds, hope for the best and end up in different versions of the same failed relationships with the same fights over and over again until you die?

I'm not kidding around.

If you do not heal your wounds, they will repeat.

Remember that Pinterest quote at the beginning of this post? I want to re-write it:

When you heal your inner wounds, you don't

have to work so hard to be happy.

Notice how your happiness is completely dependent on the work you put into your growth and has nothing to do with a relationship.

If you are in a relationship (or actively dating) right now, ask yourself these questions on a regular basis:

1. What are my beliefs and expectations in a relationship?

2. Am I allowing this other person's actions to affect how I feel?

3. What can I do to exercise more self-care and self-love on my own?

Watch what happens when you stop looking outside of yourself to feel good. It is such an amazing feeling to know that you hold the key to your own happiness. There is no searching or longing. It's there and it's within you. All you have to do is unlock the door and step into yourself.

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